Why I Don't Want to Blog
Maybe it's the fact that I accidentally deleted my template (again) and was forced to use one of Blogger's Incredibly Sterile and Dull templates to temporarily fill in until I work up the courage to create another one.
Maybe it's the fact that my blood sugars have been bouncing up and down like a ping-pong ball and no matter how often I tell myself, "Allison, you need to fix this" I just move on to my next activity like it doesn't matter.
Maybe it's the rain.
Maybe it's the fact that I spent almost an hour in bed Sunday around midnight having one of my usual "wakemares," which are nightmares only I'm awake when I have them. My imagination sometimes takes a trip down the rabbit hole. I had a complete emotional breakdown at the mere thought of having a seizure, one where I'm around people I know, having to wake up confused and sick, watching people cry or worry or shield their children. Sometimes my mind drifts to the never ceasing worries of our lives, and I can't help but personify the fears. Between shaking from the low and choking from crying, I could barely swallow the cranberry juice. Which made me sob even harder.
Maybe I'm just in one of those moods.
Maybe it's the fact that I'm tired. Twelve years with the D. Five years since my "big break" (October 2001 was the launch of CureNow, my first baby). Maybe it's the fact that I'm sick to death of hearing about the worries about complications, the frustrations with research, the annoyance with Non-Ds, the justification for why we're all alright. I'm sick to death of wondering when or how death will come or if it will almost come and then not. Maybe I'm just tired of being reminded of why I'm different and why that's okay.
Maybe I just want to go ahead and be okay.
Maybe it's the fact that I have tried to be funny, creative, witty, deep-thinking or revealing about myself. Especially the last couple of days. I spent a week working on "Noncompliant Diabetics Have More Fun." Was it really that lame? I thought my musings on Pastor Rick's sermon were a great response to Scott and Kerri's frustrations. Was I totally off-topic? I don't know if anyone is really listening and if they are listening, I wonder sometimes if anyone even cares anymore.
Maybe I just try to hard. Maybe I just have unreasonable expectations.
Maybe it's because I think I'm boring. I wake up at 6 a.m., I drive through the rain to work, I stop at Peet's for coffee, I go to work and check email/blogs and write a press release and check email/blogs and talk to someone and check email/blogs and go to a meeting, I eat lunch while I check email, Facebook and blogs, I pretend to listen to my professor while I check email, Facebook and blogs. I drive home. I eat dinner. I check email, Facebook and blogs. I send interview questions. I do homework. I go to bed at midnight. Rinse and repeat.
Maybe it's because I feel overexposed.
Maybe this is all a part of the rhythm Pastor Rick talked about at Imago Dei on Sunday. The pattern of work and rest, work and rest. The fact that I always work on diabetes and never rest, because it's the blogs are being updated, the message board needs moderating, submission forms are sent in. I made the brilliant decision of choosing the Sabbath as the Day of Updating.
Maybe it really is just one of those days.