Lemonade Life

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

The Memo

For the first time in months, I really wanted to go to the gym. I even lowered my basal rates and I ate a cracker pack.

But I still couldn't go because I was low. So I drank juice. I disconnected from my insulin pump. And I waited 15 minutes. Then I was 81. So I ate two cookies, had some more juice, and drank some milk. And I waited 15 more minutes. But I was only 95. Then I decided to be healthy and I ate a nectarine. I waited 15 more minutes, until 9:00. I tested. I was 109.

Lows be damned! I decided.

I walked through the rain to the Student Rec Center. In the entrance to the gym, I could feel my legs turn to rubber. I was already fatigued. I tested, but my meter only said 98.

I walked in, and checked out a lock. I went to the locker room. My hands fumbled with the lock. I put away my jacket and sweatshirt. I took my juice, and my CD player and my determination and I marched up to the track.

I looked around. I could feel that all-too-familiar ache creep into my legs and hands. You're not going to impress anyone by fainting.

I walked back downstairs. I trudged back to the locker room. I sat down. I punched a hole into the juice box with the straw. I sipped my juice. I tried not to cry.

I waited. The ache slowly dissipated. I retrieved my items from the locker, and returned the lock.

And walked back, through the rain, to my house. Soaking wet. Tired. Pissed off.

And my blood sugar is still only 104.

Have I mentioned I hate diabetes? Because I do.

Just in case you didn't get the memo.

11 Comments:

At February 01, 2006 1:55 AM , Anonymous Caro said...

I hate these moments. Moments when diabetes stops you doing what you want to do. Much as I believe that diabetes shouldn't stop any of us doing anything we want, that always refers more to long term goals and achievements. On the small scale, it gets in the way too often. Just once is too often.

Stupid diabetes.

Have a (((((hug)))))

 
At February 01, 2006 6:49 AM , Blogger Erica said...

{{hugs}}

Yes it sucks. Absolutely.

 
At February 01, 2006 7:07 AM , Blogger Sandra Miller said...

First-- {{{{Huge Hug}}}}

Maybe it's because I'm just starting back going to the gym myself. Or maybe it's because you sounded so damned determined here-- I was rooting for you every step of the way (all the while knowing the inevitable-- I've seen it enough times in Joseph).

But when you "tried not to cry," I did.

I hate diabetes, too. And after reading this post, ever more so.

 
At February 01, 2006 10:24 AM , Blogger Allison said...

Caro: Agreed. I know we always say we can control diabetes, and not let it control us, but sometimes, you just have to let diabetes win the battle.

But I will win the war!

Erica: Thank you! ::Hugs::

Sandra: ::Hug:: ::Hug:: That's one for you and one for Joseph. Grrr. I hate making people cry! But I suppose that's just an indictator of how deeply rooted this disease gets into our lives. Even when you yourself aren't feeling it, it still hurts.

 
At February 01, 2006 3:05 PM , Blogger Jen said...

Shoot, Allison, you almost made me cry! I hate the moments that limit us. You try and do something that really is good for you, but then something gets in the way! It's frustrating!

PS Happy belated D anniversary.

 
At February 01, 2006 6:22 PM , Blogger Penny said...

I hate diabetes too!!!

 
At February 02, 2006 4:55 AM , Blogger mytime79 said...

This diabetes thing really sucks sometimes!

 
At February 02, 2006 5:27 AM , Blogger Ellen said...

:-(. This happens to Z sometimes too...he'll prepare way in advance for a karate class and checks bg just before he leaves the house. He knows if it's too low, no matter how much he eats, he won't be able to make it safely or comfortably through the class.

We need a cure.

 
At February 02, 2006 6:36 AM , Blogger J said...

ugh theses moments just plain SUCK! happened to me yesturday also started at 73 had a sugar free pudding and crackers went to 85 waited go to gym was 111 took of pump started working out went to 73 drank my juice worked out more then left at 212 UGH UGH UGH ! I hear you and hate it ! HUGS to you

 
At February 02, 2006 11:24 AM , Blogger Jamie said...

Stupid disease.

How dare it intrude into something you want to do????

I'm sorry it ruined your night. Here's a big hug for you ((((HUG)))).

Maybe tonight you can go to the gym?

Take care.

 
At February 02, 2006 11:52 AM , Blogger Allison said...

Ellen: Damn straight!

Jamie: I went to the gym yesterday afternoon instead, because my blood sugar was 245! I ate lunch right before, and took Symlin so I square bolused for the meal and skipped out on the high bolus part. And I landed at... 98! Sheesh.

Thanks so much for the hugs and the comments. It might not treat a low, but it sure does make me feel better!

I <3 The O.C.!

 

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