Anxiety and Other Character-Building Emotions
I have five more weeks of school.
I went home this weekend (home being my parent's house) and I realized that I have approximately eight more weeks of knowing exactly where I will be and when and with whom, and then my calendar stops.
I'm edging closer to a precipice of time.
For the next five weeks, I will be here, in my studio apartment in a large, college town in the middle of freaking nowhere. A few weekend trips to Portland to see family, celebrate a friend's birthday, and attend a lecture by Dr. Bruce Buckingham.
I will then fly across the country for 11 days to see more family and friends, and hopefully find my future, instead of guessing where it might be.
I will spend another week in Eugene, milling around, trying to make a purpose out of an interim. Then I will fly to Los Angeles on April 11 to see more friends, followed by a drive down to see La Jolla to see even more friends and family. Then I will fly back to Portland on April 18.
And then...
I don't know.
I don't know what comes after April 18.
It's like Judgement Day, circled in red.
I know that, unlike many college students, I have options. I have good options. I have good options that I have worked very hard to have. But having options isn't the same as having a plan. Having a plan means I know where I am going to be, when and with whom.
I have never had a time where I didn't know where I was going. In high school, the University of Oregon was the option, and the plan, because it was a given that I could get into this state school. I have always been able to arrange with my parents where I was going to live and for how long. But I can't do any of that right now.
I have to wait.
Everyone keeps asking questions or mentioning plans and all I can say is, "I hope."
I don't want to hope. I want to know.
It's disconcerting to have your entire future in the hands of so many other people. I really don't like it. I feel powerless. I feel like I'm at the disposal of all these people.
I am edging towards a precipice of time and I don't know who is going to catch me.
I am edging towards a precipice of time and I'm feeling anxious, worried, exhilarated, tired.
I am edging towards a precipice of time and I'm scared.
posted by Allison @ 12:33 AM
7 Comments:
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Don't forget to breath!
It will be okay.
Scary, yes, but please trust your very old friend when I say, 'embrace this time!!!' Here's hoping the anxiety isn't the most prominent part of this experience. Like you said, you've got options - enjoy the excitement of this transition!
Allison,
These times of life transitions definitely bring on anxiety, but they're so exciting too! Who knows what wonderful adventures await you :)
Also, sometimes things fall into place in a way that you could never have "planned." Take a deep breath, pray that God leads you to something great and enjoy your last couple months of college life.
Congratulations on all of your achievements!
These feelings are perfectly normal. Hang in there, and enjoy your visits.
Allison
I'd take a bit of Joseph Campbell's advice and Follow your bliss.
Figure out what you like to do and see how to make a living doing that. Life's too short to be working at something you don't like to do.
And I think you do have lots of options. (And I don't envy you.)
Remember to yimlfrot (the captcha phrase for this comment)
Allison,
All I have to say is "Ditto." I know exactly how you feel, as I'm dealing with the same thing. I am a planner as well, and currently I don't have the foggiest idea of a plan. Everyone just keeps saying it will work out, but I think I'll continue to feel like I have constant indigestion until I know what I'm doing for sure.
Hope you semester is going well and enjoy your travels!
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