Anxiety and Other Character-Building Emotions
I have five more weeks of school.
I went home this weekend (home being my parent's house) and I realized that I have approximately eight more weeks of knowing exactly where I will be and when and with whom, and then my calendar stops.
I'm edging closer to a precipice of time.
For the next five weeks, I will be here, in my studio apartment in a large, college town in the middle of freaking nowhere. A few weekend trips to Portland to see family, celebrate a friend's birthday, and attend a lecture by Dr. Bruce Buckingham.
I will then fly across the country for 11 days to see more family and friends, and hopefully find my future, instead of guessing where it might be.
I will spend another week in Eugene, milling around, trying to make a purpose out of an interim. Then I will fly to Los Angeles on April 11 to see more friends, followed by a drive down to see La Jolla to see even more friends and family. Then I will fly back to Portland on April 18.
I don't know.
I don't know what comes after April 18.
It's like Judgement Day, circled in red.
I know that, unlike many college students, I have options. I have good options. I have good options that I have worked very hard to have. But having options isn't the same as having a plan. Having a plan means I know where I am going to be, when and with whom.
I have never had a time where I didn't know where I was going. In high school, the University of Oregon was the option, and the plan, because it was a given that I could get into this state school. I have always been able to arrange with my parents where I was going to live and for how long. But I can't do any of that right now.
I have to wait.
Everyone keeps asking questions or mentioning plans and all I can say is, "I hope."
I don't want to hope. I want to know.
It's disconcerting to have your entire future in the hands of so many other people. I really don't like it. I feel powerless. I feel like I'm at the disposal of all these people.
I am edging towards a precipice of time and I don't know who is going to catch me.
I am edging towards a precipice of time and I'm feeling anxious, worried, exhilarated, tired.
I am edging towards a precipice of time and I'm scared.