Lemonade Life

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Anxiety and Other Character-Building Emotions

I have five more weeks of school.

I went home this weekend (home being my parent's house) and I realized that I have approximately eight more weeks of knowing exactly where I will be and when and with whom, and then my calendar stops.

I'm edging closer to a precipice of time.

For the next five weeks, I will be here, in my studio apartment in a large, college town in the middle of freaking nowhere. A few weekend trips to Portland to see family, celebrate a friend's birthday, and attend a lecture by Dr. Bruce Buckingham.

I will then fly across the country for 11 days to see more family and friends, and hopefully find my future, instead of guessing where it might be.

I will spend another week in Eugene, milling around, trying to make a purpose out of an interim. Then I will fly to Los Angeles on April 11 to see more friends, followed by a drive down to see La Jolla to see even more friends and family. Then I will fly back to Portland on April 18.

And then...

I don't know.

I don't know what comes after April 18.

It's like Judgement Day, circled in red.

I know that, unlike many college students, I have options. I have good options. I have good options that I have worked very hard to have. But having options isn't the same as having a plan. Having a plan means I know where I am going to be, when and with whom.

I have never had a time where I didn't know where I was going. In high school, the University of Oregon was the option, and the plan, because it was a given that I could get into this state school. I have always been able to arrange with my parents where I was going to live and for how long. But I can't do any of that right now.

I have to wait.

Everyone keeps asking questions or mentioning plans and all I can say is, "I hope."

I don't want to hope. I want to know.

It's disconcerting to have your entire future in the hands of so many other people. I really don't like it. I feel powerless. I feel like I'm at the disposal of all these people.

I am edging towards a precipice of time and I don't know who is going to catch me.

I am edging towards a precipice of time and I'm feeling anxious, worried, exhilarated, tired.

I am edging towards a precipice of time and I'm scared.


At February 13, 2007 4:43 AM , Blogger kath said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At February 13, 2007 4:44 AM , Blogger kath said...

Don't forget to breath!

It will be okay.

At February 13, 2007 6:35 AM , Blogger Kassie said...

Scary, yes, but please trust your very old friend when I say, 'embrace this time!!!' Here's hoping the anxiety isn't the most prominent part of this experience. Like you said, you've got options - enjoy the excitement of this transition!

At February 13, 2007 9:31 AM , Blogger Kelsey said...


These times of life transitions definitely bring on anxiety, but they're so exciting too! Who knows what wonderful adventures await you :)

Also, sometimes things fall into place in a way that you could never have "planned." Take a deep breath, pray that God leads you to something great and enjoy your last couple months of college life.

Congratulations on all of your achievements!

At February 13, 2007 9:52 AM , Blogger Lori Rode said...

These feelings are perfectly normal. Hang in there, and enjoy your visits.

At February 14, 2007 11:56 AM , Blogger Bernard said...


I'd take a bit of Joseph Campbell's advice and Follow your bliss.

Figure out what you like to do and see how to make a living doing that. Life's too short to be working at something you don't like to do.

And I think you do have lots of options. (And I don't envy you.)

Remember to yimlfrot (the captcha phrase for this comment)

At February 14, 2007 9:37 PM , Blogger Allison said...


All I have to say is "Ditto." I know exactly how you feel, as I'm dealing with the same thing. I am a planner as well, and currently I don't have the foggiest idea of a plan. Everyone just keeps saying it will work out, but I think I'll continue to feel like I have constant indigestion until I know what I'm doing for sure.

Hope you semester is going well and enjoy your travels!


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