Lemonade Life

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Thursday Night Secrets

I am a crier.

But I'm not your typical crier. I don't cry very often in movies or while watching a Hallmark commerical. I can probably count on my hand how many times I've cried while reading a blog post. I don't believe I have ever shed a tear for a literary character.

I cry while lying in my bed, late at night, reflecting on all the pain and joy I have witnessed and hear recounted throughout the day. While I remember the people who have come and gone. Curled up in ball, squeezing my stuffed bear Pierre, letting my tears soak his fur.

I cry when I'm driving in my car, listening to a song that reminds me of him, or her, or them, or everyone, and I can't help but miss the time when I wasn't so aware of everything.

I cry when I'm sitting at my desk, reading and re-reading another story of fears and hopes, of challenges and perseverance. It's not just one particular story on a blog, but the whole idea of it.

The whole idea of a community of otherwise complete strangers bound together by this single event with effects that ripple through every other event that comes after it.

My mother told me when I was a child I used to be very sensitive to other people's feelings. When some girls in my Girl Scount troop would fight, I would get upset about it. My friends in high school called me an empath because the pain someone else felt would also be as strong in me as in them.

I started turning it off my senior year in high school, because it got too hard to handle. It got too hard to handle the emotions of other people, in addition to my own.

Sometimes I wonder if I have sprung a leak.

I scrolled down Kerri's blogroll tonight, and a tear fell for each one of them.

I wish there was something I could do to make things easier. I try to tell myself that what I'm doing is helping, that it's making a difference, but it's so hard sometimes. I wish there was something I could to make things better for people, to make it not hurt so much.

I wish there was something I could to make me not hurt so much.

I cry while I write a story about how I wish I didn't cry. I cry while I tell everyone to not be scared. I cry while I tell everyone that it will be okay and to just smile and be brave.

I wish I was braver.


At August 25, 2006 9:05 AM , Blogger Kevin said...

You have no idea how appreciated you are. What you are doing DOES help.

(I have to admit, I've had problems with your feed as well, but things are all fixed up now, and I'll be keeping up better).

Thanks for keeping the OC running!

At August 25, 2006 11:27 PM , Blogger Megan said...

I agree with Kevin, what you do does help.

Very touching, and true post, once again Allison.

At August 26, 2006 7:50 PM , Blogger julia said...

You do help, Allison. More than you'll probably ever know. What you do is amazing and strong and takes huge, brass cajones. I don't know how you can think you're not brave. I certainly think you are.

At August 26, 2006 8:04 PM , Blogger Allison said...

I'm starting to think maybe this sounded like another attempt to garner compliments, which was not my intention at all.

The reason I wrote this particular post was because of the intense sadness that I felt (and continue to feel, after reading Sandra's latest post) throughout the community and how much I wanted the sadness to just go away, and how... insignificant I felt in actually be able to do something about that.

It wasn't that I necessarily felt that what I do do for the O.C. was not appreciated or whatever, but that the emotional toll this disease takes on people is something I will never be able to make go away. And it's something I desperately want to end.

At August 27, 2006 9:58 PM , Blogger Robert said...

your post made me reflect on how i feel about cancer. if i was bill gates i would pour billions upon billions to cure it because it has taken my dad as well as many close friends and relatives. Thank you for your passion and caring as well as your willingness to reveal your concern and compassion for all. I hope your tears will turn to smiles and laughs as more and more people recieve help and comfort. i wonder if you are an infj allison :) carry on just as you are!!!


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